Much needed Musings

During the Christmas season, I got out of the habit of my daily morning time with the Lord.
Actually, I took a break from all good habits. I greatly anticipated the newness of that number “13” tacked on to the back of our millennium… it is motivating, refreshing, encouraging really.

So here I am, enjoying some egg casserole and a cup of African Solstice tea. The sunshine and my teacup coordinated today, reminding me to shine forth in the joy of the Lord.

The last few weeks, I have been determined to finish writing my book. The final two chapters of Delight: a Joyful Journey toward Biblical Womanhood are “Humility” and “Trust.” Humility and trust just happen to be the two details of my humanity that I struggle with most. Just thinking about writing these concepts make me want to shrink down and crawl inside my tea cup, not shine forth. In a word, I am intimidated.

Every chapter I’ve written, I encountered a dramatic meeting with my own depravity. Chapter 1 dealt with being a woman of Decision… so I went through a month-long process of truly defining my decision to follow Christ: when did it start, where are the roots? Would I choose to follow Christ if it didn’t fit with my culture, my family? Was it too easy for me? Does that decision to follow Christ really define the rest of me?

Chapter 2, on Excellence, presented a greater challenge to face my own laziness and people-pleaseing problem. The following chapters on love, integrity, and gentleness all presented further opportunities to grapple with my selfish nature.

Still, nothing compares to the grinding sift that is writing about humility.

Here are my musings on the subject… what God is teaching me today during my Breakfast with Him:

My Pride is like a great amoeba blob of selfishness contained by a thick lining of insecurity. I think that in times my pride is “hurt,” a better picture is that my pride is “squished.” Because if I am humbled in one area, I ensure my pride is elevated in another. I do anything I can to keep the general mass of my pride from being depleted. When one lump is pushed down, another puffs up.

For instance, I was running late for a meeting Shane and I had with a friend. I have been working on “being on-time” all year: but this day, alas, I was not.

Recognizing my short-coming in this area, I immediately started spouting off about all the things I did well that day: shoveling the walk, cleaning, etc… I told Shane, “I need to outweigh my incompetence with a few successful moments, so I don’t feel like a complete failure at life.”

Really all I was doing was allowing a cushion for my pride. I may be brought low in this area, but look how great I am in a different one.

Reasoning this way brought me back to face my greatest fear: being a failure. This fear is directly rooted in pride and some form of false self-preservation.  A woman of humility doesn’t care if she fails; true perspective is she will always fail! Only Christ’s work remains, the rest just falls useless and redundant.

My fear of failure dissipates when I return to the cross. The Word of God pierces through the wall of insecurity, draining my self-filled amoeba of all my pride. My Savior, hanging on a cross for me–it takes me to my knees in humility. Undeserving wretched woman that I am, He still loves me!

That is what having Breakfast with Jesus does to me: reminds me of my own personal insignificance and the great significance of Jesus Christ. I remember that I am loved, and that being loved by the Holy God is far greater than being continually successful. My pride no longer matters.

The work is done. I will work on the chapter later, but for now, I am going to sip my tea, munch on a few leftover spritz Christmas cookies, and spend some much-needed time musing on this great God I find myself having breakfast with. Then forward, to shine bright His light, sharing the hope as a woman of humility, in progress.

(Join me in this Joyful Discovery of Biblical Womanhood at delightbiblestudy.wordpress.com, and read more about what God is teaching me about humility.)